Lizards Outside the Bun
by Bingalicious Midnight
Summary: Sulu and Chekov decide to host a contest a lizard contest. It's actually finished! Please R&R.
1. The Contest

Disclaimer: Don't own Star Trek. Don't own "Think outside the bun." Wish I owned them. Quesadillas are good. Have a bagel. Star Trek is good.  
  
A/N: This will be a kind of short fic-a few chapters at the most. But read and review. Especially review!  
  
Enjoy.  
  
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN  
  
Chapter One ~~~ The Contest  
  
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"It's time to think outside the bun," Sulu announced. Chekov looked at him as though he were crazy.  
  
"Say thet again?"  
  
"Haven't you ever heard of 'Think outside the bun?'"  
  
The look Chekov gave his friend made the answer obvious. "No, then. Well, it's an ancient slogan from an old Earth fast food restaurant called Taco Bell. It means, don't eat hamburgers."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Vell then vhy did you just say 'think outside the bun?'"  
  
Recognition crossed Sulu's face. "Oh yes. I was just about to get to that."  
  
Chekov broke the moment of silence that ensued by saying, "Vhat vere you goink to say?"  
  
"We should think outside the bun."  
  
Chekov sighed loudly and exasperatedly. "Vhat the hell is thet supposed to mean?"  
  
"We should shake things up a bit. You know-"  
  
"Not eat hamburgers?" Chekov asked sarcastically.  
  
"No, I was thinking more along the lines of... a contest or something."  
  
"Vhat does this have to do vith Taco Bell?"  
  
"Nothing. But don't you think we should have a contest?"  
  
"Vould there be a prise?" (A/N: I know that's spelled wrong. I'm trying to write how Chekov talks.)  
  
"I don't know. But before we think of the prize, let's think about the contest," Sulu suggested.  
  
"Vhy don't you give the vinner a lizard?"  
  
"For the contest?" Sulu asked, momentarily confused. "Oh, you mean as the prize."  
  
"Thet vas sarcasm."  
  
"Oh, well, in that case..." Sulu trailed off. Then, "I know! We'll have a lizard contest!"  
  
Chekov raised one eyebrow, which reminded Sulu of Mr. Spock. But instead of commenting on Chekov's newfound Vulcan-ness, he told the Russian about his idea. "Well, basically, we give lizards to whoever wants to be in the contest. The one who takes the best care of their lizard gets the prize at the end."  
  
"Vhich vill be-?"  
  
"Who cares?" Sulu said. "What we can do is give the lizards away for a week. If we see anyone mistreating a lizard, we can disqualify them. Oh-I know! They'll have to provide everything for the lizard, which means that they have to figure out what lizards eat, where they like to live, and all that kind of thing. And then at the end of the week-"  
  
"There vill be a prise."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
The next day, Chekov approached Sulu enthusiastically. "I haff though of a prise! Eet es perfect!"  
  
"What is it?" Sulu asked.  
  
"Your salary for the week!"  
  
And then Chekov jogged away to wherever he had to be next, leaving Sulu speechless in his wake.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Later that day, Sulu and Chekov met again.  
  
"I'll agree to you prize idea with one difference. Half my salary and half yours."  
  
"This vas your bun idea in the first place," Chekov protested. But in the end, he decided to go with Sulu's terms.  
  
Now all that was left to do was to make sure the captain didn't mind that this contest was taking place.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Kirk frowned. This was a strange idea, all right. But it couldn't hurt- could it? And he wouldn't mind half of Sulu's and half of Chekov's salaries. What the hell.  
  
"Sure," he said, "But I can be included, can't I?"  
  
Chekov and Sulu exchanged glances, then nodded.  
  
The contest would take place the next day.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Surprisingly, a large amount of the crew showed up to hear about the rules of the lizard contest. Or, "Lizards Outside the Bun," as Chekov was calling it. No one quite understood this, but it didn't matter.  
  
Sulu explained the rules. "You will each be given a lizard. This lizard must be happy and healthy by the end of the week. Any mistreatment of this lizard will result in disqualification. And whoever the winner is meaning whoever has made their lizard as happy as possible during the time you had will get half of mine and half of Chekov's salary." "  
  
Chekov took a moment to say something to Sulu that no one in the audience could hear. Then Sulu spoke loudly to everyone.  
  
"We seem to have a... problem. We don't have enough lizards. So, anyone who wants to enter this contest will have to write a short note as to WHY you should get a lizard. Okay then. I'd like to get the notes by... tomorrow afternoon. So... get cracking!"  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Some of the notes were pitiful. There were a lot more than Sulu would have expected. But none of them were much good. The one Sulu was reading at the moment went something like this:  
  
**Lizards are good. Lizards should be happy. I will make the lizard happy.  
  
-Ensign Quinn Krumpethead**  
  
Sulu groaned. The next note was from-  
  
Mr. Spock???  
  
Oh well, anything goes, Sulu thought. He picked up the letter and began to read.  
  
**A lizard is a fascinating reptile, and I believe it would be a very interesting experience to care for such a creature for a Terran week. It is illogical to deny someone of an intellectual experience, and this contest should prove to be just that. Therefore the logical course of action would be to include me in this competition.  
  
-Commander Spock**  
  
Sulu laughed, and added the letter to his Lizards Outside the Bun folder. If nothing else, this should prove interesting.  
  
The next letter was from Uhura.  
  
**Lizards are such cute creatures. They are absolutely adorable. I would love to have a lizard, because it is so delightful. So, Sulu, let me have a lizard.  
  
-Lieutenant Uhura**  
  
Sulu sighed, then put the letter in the Lizards Outside the Bun folder. So it was a bad letter. But Uhura was his friend.  
  
The next three notes were from Anonymous Ensigns who were probably in Security because they couldn't do anything but fire phasers. Which included writing. Sulu deleted these. Then came the captain's.  
  
**I would like a lizard. I like lizards. I'm the captain, so I could order you to give me a lizard. But I won't. I'll ask. Please give me a lizard. I would be good to a lizard.  
  
-Captain James T. Kirk**  
  
Truth to tell, it wasn't much better then most of the red-shirt's letters. But, as he had pointed out, Kirk was the captain. Into the Lizards Outside the Bun folder.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
At length, these were the competitors in the contest: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Ensign Roberts, Lieutenant Gopher, and Ensign Silver.  
  
Seven lizards, seven people. Sulu and Chekov had also decided to have Lizards Outside the Bun Police. These were some of the runner-ups who agreed to make sure nothing happened to the lizards.  
  
The contest would begin in an hour.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Chapter Two coming soon! How far will the crew go to care for their lizards???  
  
As always, READ and REVIEW!!! Well, seeing as you're reading this, I'll assume you already read it. So REVIEW!!! 


	2. Names

Disclaimer: Keptin! There ees a large sign floatink in space! Eet says i-am- bug does note own Stair Trek. Or lizards. And Keptin, eet es coming toward us et awesome speds! Eet-  
  
Crash.  
  
A/N: Hee hee. Read and review. And know that no lizards were harmed in the making of this story.  
  
A/N2: To all of you sad, depressed, there-aren't-enough-Scotty-stories Scotty fans out there coughPeterPreston/BookeyHooper/PenguinQueen, I have added Scotty to this story. Enjoy.  
  
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Reviewer Replies  
  
Kame-Sama: Turtles? Cool. Actually, I don't think I know that song...  
  
Penguin Queen otherwise known as Peter Preston otherwise known as Bookay Hooper: You can cross your heart, hope to die, but don't spend another month out there! And now Scotty IS INCLUDED. Feel happy. I'm not a Scotty hater! And sorry, I keep forgetting about that momentary lapse of logic. Though I did have one a few days ago.  
  
Lady Chekov: Ooh, wow, I've been complimented! Thankee! And now I've brought on chapter 2!  
  
Sunny-historian: Arrgh! Another Scotty fan! Well, Scotty has now been inculded. Read on.  
  
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN  
  
Chapter Two ~~~ Names  
  
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That hour passed very quickly. It seemed that in no time the contestants were taking their lizards from Sulu and Chekov. The Lizards Outside the Bun Police were making sure Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Ensigns Roberts and Silver, and Lieutenant Gopher were handling their lizards correctly.  
  
Chekov, who was acting as a Lizards Outside the Bun Policeman, caught Lieutenant Gopher right away. He was holding the lizard between his thumb and forefinger and eyeing it skeptically.  
  
That was one man down.  
  
~~("There are women here too!" Silver and Uhura complained to the author.  
  
"But it's not a woman down," the author explained. "If one of you had handled a lizard wrong it would be one woman down."  
  
"But that sounds sexist!" they both said.  
  
"I'M female. And I'm the one writing this story."  
  
"Can you just say 'one contestant down'?" Uhura asked.  
  
"Okay, okay," the author said, changing the text.)~~  
  
That was one contestant down.  
  
Six more to go. Well, five more, because someone would have to win.  
  
Roberts produced a conveniently placed lizard cage. "Go in there, Fred," he urged. Silver, who was his friend, looked at him strangely.  
  
"Fred?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know, it looks like a Fred."  
  
"Isn't your brother called Fred?"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
Sulu began to speak. "You can go now. Just make sure that lizard stays happy and healthy. The Lizards Outside the Bun Police will come around every day to check on the lizard. Have fun!"  
  
As the seven competitors left, Chekov turned to Sulu.  
  
"Vell, ve thought outside the bun."  
  
"This should be interesting," Sulu agreed. Or at least he thought he was agreeing. He wasn't quite sure what Chekov had meant by his comment.  
  
"See you later," Chekov said, and left.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Kirk carried his lizard to his cabin, ignoring the strange looks he got as he passed through the corridors. He even ignored the "Why is the captain carrying a lizard around?" "I dunno, maybe it's his new girlfriend..." he got from a few red-shirts.  
  
But, somehow his mind connected that comment with the fact that his lizard needed a name. She (yes, Kirk had decided his lizard was female. He wasn't completely sure, though) should have a good lizard name.  
  
Scaley? No, not a nice enough name.  
  
Caroline? Not a lizardy enough name.  
  
Then it hit him. It hit him like a doorframe (actually, he had been so deep in thought that he HAD banged into a doorframe).  
  
Lizzie.  
  
He finally made it passed the door and into his room, where he got a lizard cage out of a conveniently placed slot-that-stuff-comes-out-of in the wall.  
  
Lizzie.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
It's very difficult to have an animal in your care that you don't give some kind of name. McCoy found this out soon enough. He had brought his lizard to his room, and got a lizard cage from the conveniently placed slot-that- stuff-comes-out-of.  
  
"In the cage, Bobo," he said, wondering just where the name 'Bobo' had come from.  
  
Finally he decided it was a bad name, and that his lizard needed a good name. But he was stuck on Bobo. The lizard FELT like a Bobo. And McCoy couldn't fight his feelings. They were, after all, illogical.  
  
So Bobo it was.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Spock didn't have that problem. In his mind, he simply thought of the lizard as 'the lizard' or 'the specimen' or something like that. It was, after all, logical.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Uhura looked at her lizard and giggled. It was so CUTE! The lizard blinked at her lazily.  
  
"Oh, you cutie," she said. "Actually, that's what I'll call you. Cutie."  
  
Cutie it was.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Ensign Silver was different from all of the others. She decided to think about the name first. Not the way Kirk had. She felt the lizard needed a good name. Or no name at all.  
  
Or No Name.  
  
She brought No Name, who was sitting in her palm, up to eye-level. "You are No Name from now on," she said seriously.  
  
No Name sat there. Silver smiled.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"Uh, Chekov?" Sulu asked a bit later.  
  
"Vhat?"  
  
"Mr. Scott wants a lizard. Apparently he was too busy with his 'wee bairns' to write a note, but..."  
  
"It's your contest," Chekov pointed out.  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"End this should be intairesting."  
  
"Hmm," Sulu though this over for a minute. (Go away, Spock. I know it wasn't a full minute. It's an expression.) There really wouldn't be any harm in letting the Chief Engineer join the competition. They DID have an extra lizard. "Okay."  
  
"Vell, go tell him."  
  
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Sorry, that was a really short chapter. Three should be up soon. Find out the fate of the lizards. AND REVIEW!  
  
----\==/  
  
Look! A lizard! It's supposed to be a lizard, anyway.  
  
^_^  
  
Review! 


	3. Of Scores and Toupees

Disclaimer: Will they ever understand that I don't own Star Trek!!! Maybe when Walker rules the world and we are all his lowly minions I will not have to say this. Maybe I WILL own Star Trek. But no. I do not.  
  
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A/N: As you read this you will realize just how strange Ensign Silver is. I don't know where she came from in my mind. She has a strange sense of humor and an obsession with Vulcans. She believes that it is possible to have a psychic connection with everything from humans to lampposts. Lizards included. No one is quite sure why she became a security guard. And she is the only female on the Enterprise who wears pants. She requested them. Yeah. Maybe I'll write a whole story about her someday.  
  
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Reviewer Replies  
  
-Alania: ------\==/ Lizards, lol. Glad you like it. Very very glad. The story has been continued!  
  
-Peter Preston: But now you're just PenguinQueen! What WILL happen to BH and PP?  
  
-Happi Froggi: You reviewed so many times I'm just guessing you reviewed this. Oh yeah.The quesadilla. But wouldn't that be cruelty to lizards?  
  
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN  
  
Chapter Three ~~~ Of Scores, Toupees, and Sybok  
  
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"You're telling me these lizards were named after a little brother, a cartoon bear, and an engine???" Sulu asked in disbelief.  
  
Chekov grinned. "It looks like Scotty has a new vee bairn. But I can't belieff that the lizard is called Engine."  
  
"And two of them are no names but one of them is No Name and the other just has no name..."  
  
"Ve haff a veird crew," Chekov said gravely.  
  
"I just thought of something," Sulu said. "We can give out points for the best... er... lizard care. Let's get the contestants."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Silver sat No Name on her shoulder. She smiled. She had decided it would be best to forge a psychic relationship with her lizard. She had studied some Vulcan techniques, but as a human she wasn't psychic. Usually this was a problem, but...  
  
She would think of something. There were lizards at stake.  
  
She placed her fingertips on the sides of the lizard's head. "No Name, I am..."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Kirk/ Lizzie: 5  
  
Spock/ [no name]: 3  
  
McCOY/ Bobo: 5  
  
Uhura/ Cutie: 5  
  
Scotty/ Engine: 5  
  
Roberts/ Fred: 5  
  
Silver/ No Name: 5  
  
"Well, those are the scores," Sulu said. "Two points for a name, three points for the lizard cage. Wait... Silver's lizard doesn't have a name."  
  
Chekov sighed. "She named the lizard No Name. She's... you know... veird. She complained to me thet she should get extra points for establishing a psychic communication vith her lizard."  
  
Sulu couldn't help but laugh at that one. "I think you like her."  
  
Chekov rolled his eyes. "I think she needs to get her mental health checked out in sickbay."  
  
Sulu nodded gravely, but couldn't help that laugh that escaped shortly afterward.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Kirk decided to take Lizzie to the bridge. Surely this couldn't be as bad as taking half to his alien girlfriends to the bridge! THEY had a nasty habit of trying to take over the ship. Lizzie, however....  
  
And he was the captain.  
  
He sat Lizzie on his shoulder and began walking through all of the Enterprise's hallways that all happened to look the same and be the same set. Ahem. Anyway, he got to the bridge at record time.  
  
To his surprise, there was a lizard on Uhura's shoulder. It was trying to crawl into her wig and Kirk pointed this out. Apparently lizards liked wigs.  
  
"Oh Cutie," Uhura said.  
  
Kirk assumed his I'm-sexy smile. "Yeah, that's m-"  
  
"That's her lizard," Sulu said from his station.  
  
"Er..." Kirk moved hastily away from the communications console. Imagine getting yourself confused with a lizard!  
  
Meanwhile, Lizzie was making her way into Kirk's toupee. It was warm, and fuzzy, and wonderfully fake. Suddenly, Kirk shrieked. Everyone on the bridge turned around to look at him.  
  
His toupee popped off and fell to the floor with the lizard. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kirk yelled. He fished the lizard out of his toupee and placed it on his console. He jammed the toupee back onto his head. He failed to notice that it was backwards, and made him look even stranger than a bald head did.  
  
He sat down in his command chair grumpily. He glared at anyone who was laughing (which happened to be everyone but Spock). Most of them stopped giggling, but Kirk's dignity was nowhere near intact. Certainly lizards could cause mayhem on the bridge. At least none of his girlfriends had tried to burrow in his toupee.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
KIRK/ LIZZIE: 0  
  
SPOCK/ [NO NAME]: 3  
  
MCCO  
  
Sulu paused in typing up the new scores when Chekov came up to him. "So you took away five points for the Toupee Incident," he remarked, looking over Sulu's shoulder.  
  
Sulu nodded. "Is that what you came here to find out?"  
  
"No. Spock named his lizard. It's... Sybok."  
  
"Another brother's name? Er, that's interesting. Well, that's two more points for Spock." He paused, deep in thought. Finally, "I know! I'll post the points on the main computer! That way whenever anyone logs on they can see them."  
  
"You know... Maybe you should say exactly VHY the keptin lost those points..."  
  
"Of course," Sulu said, the picture of innocence, "Anyone who isn't part of the bridge crew deserves to know."  
  
"It's only fair," Chekov agreed.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Ten minutes later, the news that the captain had shrieked like a girl when his toupee was knocked off by a lizard was all over the ship. Kirk stalked around the ship, trying to stop conversations that were budding all around the ship. He had a new nickname: SABLEH. In other words, Shiny and Bald Lizard-Exposed Head.  
  
Lizzie was back in her cage, looking at Kirk with beady eyes. Kirk glared back at her. It was HER fault, after all.  
  
The computer signaled him that someone was outside the door. "Come in," Kirk muttered through gritted teeth. Today was just not his day.  
  
McCoy entered, with the one facial expression that was so rarely seen on his face: A large grin. (Okay, it's often seen on his face when he's taken over by evil plants or drunk, but this is like... like the time he got the last word in. In Journey to Babel.) Bobo was sitting on his head. But his hair was his hair, so nothing happened.  
  
"So, Captain-" (Kirk winced. He knew what was coming next.) "-Captain SABLEH, is it. Sulu and Chekov have got a video of that on the main computer. It just kind of pops up at you whenever you log on. You should see it. Oh. And your toupee is on backwards."  
  
Kirk straightened his toupee with the air of someone stomping out of a room and slamming the door. Then he started mumbling something, but all McCoy could understand was "Gonna kill them... Chekov... Sulu... Kill... Chekov..."  
  
"Jim, calm down," McCoy said. He had gone from very amused to very worried very quickly. Worried for Sulu and Chekov.  
  
The last time Kirk had been like this... well, he had ordered a few red- shirts to beam down with him. It had not been pretty. But what could he do to Chekov? McCoy decided he didn't want to know. "Jim. It was a joke. You DO know what a joke is, right? This one just happened to be at your expense. Calm down."  
  
Kirk seemed to take a deep breath. "Okay... Breathe... Calm... Kill..."  
  
"Jim..."  
  
"Well that's it for now."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the readers. This chapter is over. So shoo. Go away."  
  
"Oooohhh, I get it."  
  
"Shut up, Bones. Hey, readers, you're still here! Go. Away."  
  
"Jim...?"  
  
"I think they're leaving. Well, I don't care, I've got to go and plot Chekov's murder. Goodbye."  
  
"Jim..."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
You like? Review!  
  
Next chapter ____ will ____... I don't know. I haven't written it yet. ANYway...  
  
Will Kirk murder Chekov? Will Silver forge a psychic connection with No Name? Will the name Sybok confuse people? Will the other characters do anything? Find out the answers to those questions... and much more... next week. On Star Trek: Lizards Outside the Bun!  
  
But first, you have to review.  
  
----\==/ 


	4. A raincoated singing lizard

Disclaimer: Me no own Trek. Wish me did.  
  
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Reviewer Replies (Whoa! Seven reviews! Oh, yes! Oh yay! So happy! Seven as in 7 as in... er... yeah, SEVEN! Thanks, everyone.)  
  
* Alania: ROTFLOL? Hehe, No Name. That will probably confuse people later on... Not people people, but Enterprise people. Anyway, I feel bad for Kirk too. Losing your toupee to lizard. So sad. Please keep reading! ------/==\  
  
* Sukuru: Oh you did review, I'm sorry. I guess it came late with the email. I've got no idea why. And capital letters aren't bad... I've kept going.  
  
* Broken Infinity: No, you hadn't reviewed. -_- But you have now! Yay! Very glad you like it. And thank you.  
  
* Happi Froggi: So many reviews! I still haven't recovered! There would be more to this reply if you hadn't killed me. Stop thinking. There won't be any lizard quesadillas this chapter. Well, thanks for reviewing, anyway.  
  
* firedawn: Glad you liked it. I've had that problem before, laughing out loud when there are other people in the room. Yep, I think I post pretty often, so you won't have to wait long. I've been having computer problems or I would be writing more.  
  
* May Solo: Wow. I feel all complimented. Thank you. Keep reading.  
  
* Ariennye: He won't kill my Chekov. I hope. Hee hee hee.  
  
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN  
  
Chapter Four ~~~ A rain-coated singing lizard  
  
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"I can't believe it," McCoy said to Nurse Chapel.  
  
"What, Doctor?" she asked in her I'm-a-clueless-person-because-this-show- was-made-in-the-sixties-where-women-were-considered-clueless voice.  
  
"Chekov is STILL alive."  
  
"Was he supposed to die?" Still the I-A-C-P-B-T-S-W-M-I-T-S-W-W-W-C-C voice.  
  
"Well, him and Sulu..."  
  
"Oh." Nurse Chapel seemed to have given up and turned her attention once more to the specially shaped salt shakers.  
  
Suddenly someone dead walked in. Actually, two people who were dead. And you guessed it; they were Chekov and Sulu.  
  
("What?!" McCoy turned to the author in annoyance. Okay, a bit more than annoyance.  
  
"What?" i-am-bug's tone was definitely different.  
  
"You can't have DEAD people walking into Sickbay! It. Just. Doesn't. Happen."  
  
"You're talking like Kirk."  
  
McCoy sighed. "Just get rid of the dead people.  
  
And because the author doesn't know how to explain the dead people walking in, they are to be removed from the story.)  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"Okay, we need to have a challenge. Other freak accidents like the Toupee Incident" (Chekov snickered) "will not happen everyday. We'll have to give points another way," Sulu said.  
  
"Yes... Do they haff to be lizard contests, though? Maybe ve could haff some other kind of contest."  
  
"Hmm, good point. We could have... a relay race, or something."  
  
"Hmm," Chekov agreed, "But I doubt Mister Spock vould like that. You know- he did the lizard contest because it vas 'an opportunity to learn about Terran animals' or somethink."  
  
"Hmm, we could do some math stuff, maybe. Or maybe some, er, I dunno."  
  
"Math. Eweryvun else vould be crushed."  
  
Sulu put on his deep in thought face and sat in deep thought for a moment. Then suddenly he perked up. "We can have both! We can have math and a relay race, see? And it would work."  
  
"Maybe."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
The surprising thing was that Ensign Silver had, in fact, created a psychic connection with No Name. Some humans WERE psychic. And Silver had studied the Vulcans so much that she felt she could pass for one. Maybe she could. She brought her face to a point of no emotion, and stood perfectly straight with her hands clasped behind her back. She raised an eyebrow and surveyed herself in the mirror. Definitely Vulcan.  
  
No Name seemed to react to this too. He kind of raised himself up and nodded with his little lizard head.  
  
Silver thought she heard the echo of the words 'Yes, very Vulcan,' in her head. A thought struck her. Maybe they had gotten her psyche reading WRONG, before. Maybe she really WAS psychic. Maybe if she went down to sickbay now and took the test again it would prove that she was psychic.  
  
She sat No Name on her head (this was safe; she wore no wig) and walked out the door, through the halls, into the turbolift, through MORE halls, and to sickbay. Or rather the hall outside sickbay. Because then... well, you'll find out.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Spock picked Sybok up in cupped hands and surveyed him from all angles. He was entering in information about the Sybok's markings to the computer. He was about to type in the word 'green' when the intercom system beeped at him.  
  
"Report to Rec. Room 2, report to Rec. room 2," the computer voice said annoyingly. Not that Spock was annoyed. It was just... annoying.  
  
He made his way to Rec. Room. The others were there, of course. Ensign Silver had heard the announcement in the hallway, just outside of Sickbay. Her psychicness would have to wait until later.  
  
Sulu and Chekov, who were still alive, stood in the middle of them room. "Part of this contest," Sulu began, "Will be a challenge. Chekov and I have... reviewed some ideas" (he didn't mention that they had been relay races and math problems; they had later decided to do something else) "but we decided on one thing for th first challenge. You will be able to pick a partner, but in that case you will have to split the points that you earn. So here is the challenge: A puzzle! I happened to have some nice puzzles in my quarters, and a few other random ensigns have also contributed. ANYway, the first person to finish their puzzle will get fifteen points. Second, ten points. And third, five points. Got it?"  
  
"May I inquire as to what this has to do with lizards?" Spock asked.  
  
"They're lizard puzzles," Chekov said brightly. "And it vill be fun."  
  
The Eyebrow raised, but was ignored by everyone. One of the Lizards Outside the Bun Police was handing out puzzles. Each was about 100 pieces; Sulu and Chekov didn't want the contest to go TOO long.  
  
"So, does anyone want to work with a partner?" Sulu asked.  
  
Kirk was eyeing Ensign Silver and Uhura, who were the only females in the competition. Ensign Silver eyed back at him, though maybe "eyed" was a bad choice of words. She was glaring at him with a most McCoy-like glare. One that said Of course I don't want to work with you, you idiot. Uhura was pointedly ignoring him.  
  
Actually, Silver wanted to work with Spock, mostly because of his Vulcan- ness, but also because they would get done quicker. Puzzles could be considered problems of logic. So it was logical to work with Spock.  
  
But Spock did not want to work with anyone. For if he did and won, he would only get seven-point-five points, whereas the person who came in second would get ten. But, of course, he was merely in the contest for intellectual reasons.  
  
McCoy sniggered.  
  
As it turned out, McCoy was working with Scotty (but only after threatening to give Scott his physical early), Silver was working with Roberts, and everyone else was doing it alone.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"I'm betting on Spock," Sulu mumbled to Chekov.  
  
Chekov, who had only been half-listening, whirled around, a look of Utter Confusion on his face. "You're Betty and Spock? Vhat?"  
  
"What?!" Utter Confusion had attacked Sulu as well.  
  
"I asked first." Chekov sounded sulky. "And I thought you vere Hikaru."  
  
"I am-oh, I give up. I said I'm betting on Spock."  
  
"Oh." Chekov said no more, though the Utter Confusion had been replaced with embarrassment.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Finally, the contestants could start with their puzzles. They were "kiddie" puzzles, and Spock raised an eyebrow at the rain-coated singing lizard picture on the box of his. The puzzle was easy enough to put together, though the picture was quite disturbing.  
  
Kirk, however, did not share the same views. No one had taught him puzzle- putting-together at the academy, and this didn't fall under fight, hold department head meetings, and kiss girls. The last three things being the list of what Kirk does best.  
  
He struggled with two pieces of lizard, thinking dire thoughts at Lizzie, Chekov, Sulu, and whoever invented puzzles. He swore he could hear Chekov say in the distance, "Puzzles are a Russian inwention."  
  
Silver and Roberts were making some headway, but they were far behind Scotty and McCoy. For Scotty, who could tune a warp engine with his bare hands (and the help of a warp engine tuner), a puzzle was a piece of cake.  
  
"Done!" McCoy exclaimed, ignoring the fact that he had done almost no work.  
  
Sulu turned on a useful computer console that happened to be nearby. He resisted the urge to watch the Kirk and Lizzie video, and typed in Scotty and McCoy's new seven-point-five points.  
  
Spock finished next, but was so traumatized by the finished picture that it took him a second to report the fact that he had finished. Singing lizards in bright yellow raincoats are scarier than they sound when described with mere words!  
  
Silver and Roberts came in third, their joint minds helping them. Kirk was still struggling over the first few pieces. Without someone to tell him that this was illogical, or "Dammit, Jim, you can't do that!" he was utterly lost.  
  
"Well, you can go now," Sulu said, once all the points were recorded. "Congrats to Scotty, McCoy, Spock, Ensign Silver, and Ensign Roberts."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Kirk/ Lizzie: 0  
  
Spock/ SYBOK: 15  
  
McCOY/ Bobo: 12.5  
  
Uhura/ Cutie: 5  
  
Scotty/ Engine: 12.5  
  
Roberts/ Fred: 7.5  
  
Silver/ No Name: 7.5  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Hope you liked it! Review, and let me know! Hmm, I've got no more to say in this little author's note type thing. Just review.  
  
-------/==\ 


	5. I'm psychic, I tell you!

Hmm, I think I'm going to talk about who and what I *do* own: Ensign Silver, Ensign Roberts, LOtB, all of the lizards, and I'm secretly in charge of the United States.  
  
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A/N: In the beginning I said this would be short, only a few chapters. Well, it looks like it has a nice long future ahead of it. So stay tuned in, 'cause I'm not killing it off just yet!  
  
A/N2: There was going to be a whole story about Silver, but I'm including it in this chapter.  
  
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Reviewer Replies  
  
-Alania: Wow, you do? Thankee. Hmm, you'll find out MORE about Silver in this chapter... Keep reading!!  
  
-Sukuru: Okay, I won't die. Hmm, I wasn't even trying to do the personality trait thing, but I should tell the readers that. Oopsies! Anyway...  
  
-Broken Infinity: Very glad you like it. And yep, you did mention that. But it's okay! As long as you review...  
  
-Vest-Button: Hehe. Thank you.  
  
-Ariennye: You know, I still can't spell "Ariennye." Oh well. You don't mean Jones-therapy, do you?! Hehe.  
  
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN  
  
Chapter Five ~~~ I'm psychic, I tell you!  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Ensign Silver decided it was, in fact, time to go down to sickbay and see if she was psychic. No Name had found his way to her head once again, and bounced up and down slightly on Silver's curly hair as she walked.  
  
This time, no one called Ensign Silver away from the Sickbay hall, so she walked in resolutely. McCoy looked up from feeding Bobo as she stepped in.  
  
"And what might you need?" McCoy asked.  
  
"I'm psychic and you got my psyche reading wrong before," Silver said flatly. She would not bother with small talk on an occasion as important as this!  
  
McCoy arched his eyebrow, not noticing (of course) the fact that Spock often did the same thing. "Really?" he drawled.  
  
Silver nodded. "I want you to give me the test again."  
  
McCoy sighed. "It doesn't work that way. You see, you tested as perfectly normal for a human. You'll *stay* perfectly normal for a human no matter how long you wait."  
  
"You don't understand," Silver stated, "I am currently psychically linked to No Name. I guess you could call it a mind-meld."  
  
"Only Vulcans can do mind-melds," McCoy pointed out.  
  
"I'm psychic, I tell you!"  
  
McCoy sighed again. "Will you ever stop believing that you might be psychic? You're human."  
  
"I'm psychic."  
  
"Human."  
  
"Psychic."  
  
"Human."  
  
"Psy-"  
  
"No, never mind," McCoy interrupted, "I give up. I might as well be arguing with Spock." (Silver swelled at this compliment.) "I'll give you the darn test."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"You know what?" Sulu said, "I'm fresh out of new ideas for the contest."  
  
"Who needs new ideas?" Chekov asked. "Just let the stupid thing run its course."  
  
"Since when is it stupid?" Sulu asked in mild surprise. Utter Confusion was creeping around the corner, waiting for the perfect time to pounce.  
  
"Since I learned I vould haff to give up half my salary."  
  
"But that was when the contest began!" Utter Confusion had pounced.  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Sulu shook his head in despair. "I give up. I will NEVER understand you."  
  
Chekov grinned at his friend.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"I've got news for you," McCoy said to Ensign Silver. "You are *still* a normal human."  
  
Ensign Silver looked disappointed for a moment, but then she furrowed her eyebrows in thought. "You keep stressing the fact that these tests are for humans. Do you think there's *any* possibility that I might score higher on a Vulcan test?"  
  
McCoy smiled. "I dunno, you don't look very Vulcan to me."  
  
No Name growled in response to Silver's annoyance and the psychic connection she was sure she had forged.  
  
"Is there a chance," Silver asked, "That I might be just a little Vulcan? I mean, if I was Vulcan somewhere down the line, not half and half like Mr. Spock is, but maybe a great-great-great-grandparent, maybe I would do well on a Vulcan test."  
  
McCoy sighed for the third time that day. "First I'll test you to see if you're Vulcan at all."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Sybok was actually very nice, Spock decided. No, not the creepy Vulcan who tries to take over planets and kill captains and do other fun things. But you probably knew that already.  
  
In any case, Sybok sat impassively on his rock, looking at Spock. Spock sat impassively on his rock, looking at Sybok. Neither of them moved.  
  
Actually, Sybok was much more pleasant than most humans Spock had encountered. In all the time that they had known each other, Sybok had not once called him "pointy-eared hobgoblin," laughed at him, or tried to fall in love with him. (The latter is referring to Nurse Chapel, not Jim or McCoy.) Sybok had not tried to take over the ship or kill anyone. He had never fired a phaser at a red-shirt. He had never-well, the list went on forever.  
  
Certainly more pleasant than a human being.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
McCoy was extremely surprised by what his instruments told him at the end of Silver's test. This girl was Vulcan. Maybe she didn't have pointed ears and funny-looking eyebrows, but there was no doubt about it.  
  
Time to take the psyche test again.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Silver was running around and dancing for joy. "I'm psychic! I'm Vulcan!" she yelled. She grabbed the first person she saw outside of sickbay, which happened to be Chekov, hugged him, and continued running and shouting.  
  
Chekov opened his mouth as if to say something, looked at Silver, who was dancing/running/shouting down the hall, and closed it. No comment.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
At precisely 1201 (er, that's noon, right? I don't really understand military time), Spock decided that he was hungry. He watched Sybok, who also seemed to be hungry, walk over to his lizard food bow and begin eating. Then, satisfied that his lizard would get the nutrients that he needed, he walked down to the mess hall to eat.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"Sulu, I'm scared," Chekov complained to Sulu later that day.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Ensign Silver hugged me."  
  
"Really?" Sulu leaned closer, ready for some gossip.  
  
"No, not like that! She vas runnink around in the halls yelling about Vulcans and then she HUGGED ME."  
  
It was Sulu's turn to grin. "Too bad we don't have a video. We could put that with the Toupee Incident."  
  
Chekov's mouth dropped open. "You vouldn't. You vould not go and get the security camera wideo and show it to eweryone."  
  
"Actually, I hadn't thought of that... good idea!"  
  
Chekov looked terrified. "No..."  
  
"Okay, okay. Maybe just a picture or two?"  
  
"You do that and I forget all about Lizards Outside the Bun. Then YOU get to pay the prize."  
  
Sulu rolled his eyes, annoyed. "Okay. No pictures. Geez."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
If you want more, you must review. Hmm, I know! I need at least... er... four reviews to continue. So thank you for riding American Airlines. We hope you enjoyed you peanuts and/or pretzels. Have a nice day. 


	6. Fred Wreaks Havoc

Disclaimer: Yeah. Don't own anything useful.  
  
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Reviewer Replies - Okkay, sorry, I forgot to post the replies. Here they are.  
  
*Ariennye: Jones therapy? AHHHHH! Keep reading.  
  
*mzsnaz: Hmm... I rather liked the rock thing myself. Here's more!  
  
*Alania: Yeah, he should use the Silver picture. Maybe next chapter, though. This one's kind of already written, sorry. Yeah, more pleasant than a human being... lizards are pretty logcal. ANYway... keep reading.  
  
*sunny-historian: Thank you, thank you. *Bows.* No, really, thank you for the kind comments. Okay, that was weird. Glad you liked it. Read on.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN  
  
Chapter Six ~~~ Fred Wreaks Havoc  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"Guess what," Sulu told Chekov as the Russian sat down for the beginning of his shift. "Roberts is no longer in the contest."  
  
"Really? Vhy?" Chekov said, interested. He was amazed that someone had actually been disqualified. It wasn't that hard to take care of a lizard.  
  
"Fred escaped," Sulu reported.  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"And the worst part is, nobody's found him yet."  
  
Chekov smiled. "Bit of a problem for Roberts, then. But... Wait a minute. There's a lizard loose on the ship?"  
  
Sulu nodded.  
  
"Ve haff to find him. I've started to like these lizards, despite that salary gone down the toilet."  
  
"Okay..."  
  
They said nothing for a few minutes, then Chekov remembered exactly what he had been talking about. "But ve haff to find Fred!"  
  
"Well, Roberts is already trying to do that, even though he's been disqualified. He's really started to like Fred. It's like this contest has taken over our lives."  
  
"Our? Your, maybe."  
  
"Okay, mine. But Roberts is trying to-"  
  
Sulu was interrupted as the doors swished open and Roberts hurtled out. "Captain sir!" he gasped. "I can't find Fred. Tell me you've seen him, please, I know I've been disqualified but my little Fred... Sir."  
  
"Um..." Kirk was somewhat taken aback by this show of emotion. "I... haven't see your... little Fred."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Actually, Fred was in Engineering. There were a lot of cables and plastic things there that looked, well, yummy. His little lizard brain was thinking of food at the moment, and there was something about red plastic that had always looked appealing. Luckily, the red plastic thing that he bit into was not a cable ready to electrocute the first animal that decided it was a snack. It was simply a delicate strap that held the dilithium crystal in place.  
  
Fred squeaked like a gerbil for two reasons when he sunk his teeth into the plastic. For one, it tasted horrible. Red plastic was no where near as scrumptious as lizard food.  
  
The second reason Fred squeaked was the fact that the dilithium crystal the strap had been supporting suddenly crashed to the floor. It was certainly a bad design for a ship if one lizard could loose the dilithium crystal. But Starfleet was well known by the evil bad guys of the galaxy for having a number of these little things that could easily go wrong and put the ship in jeopardy. Easier for an evil bad guy to take over a ship that way.  
  
The ship was plunged in darkness until the emergency lights came on. With the lights came the red alert klaxon, and the preprogrammed voice that stated, "All hands to battle stations. This is not a drill."  
  
So, in the spirit of red alerts, everyone began to walk a little faster.  
  
Meanwhile, Kirk was frantically pushing the button on his intercom to try to get through to Engineering, but the intercom system hadn't come online yet, and every time he pressed the button he heard an annoying beeping noise and "We are sorry, intership communications are not online yet. We are sorry, intership-"  
  
Spock was attempting to do a scan of the interior of the ship, but as the power was out, he was having some difficulties. Most of his results came up as "We are sorry, intership scanning is not yet a possibility. We are sorry, intership-"  
  
It was unclear exactly WHO was sorry, but in truth it didn't exactly matter. Everyone was rushing around, a few ensigns were hiding under their beds, and Scotty was trying to fix the problem.  
  
Unfortunately, he needed a spare crystal. And to get a spare crystal, he would first have to get the attention of a few engineering red-shirts. But as they were all walking quickly and running as one apparently did in a red- alert-all-personnel-to-battle-stations situation, it was more difficult than it had seemed at first.  
  
Scotty finally managed to grab two red-shirts and pulled them along to the storage place where, incidentally, dilithium crystals were stored. This crystal was kept in a force field, and it was up to the ensigns to open it. Surprisingly, they did this without further problems, and Scotty brought the dilithium crystal to the place where the last one had fallen.  
  
And then he saw the culprit.  
  
Fred, in all the noise and confusion of a red alert, had stayed mostly invisible on the floor near engineering. But now... Scotty did not like intruders in Engineering.  
  
However, he still held the dilithium crystal. He took care to place it perfectly in position, told a red-shirt to strap it in, and ran after Fred.  
  
The lizard was fast, but Scotty was faster. He had caught up to the culprit and was about to deal the last blow that would ever be dealt to Fred, when Roberts charged in.  
  
He had finally made his way to engineering, and he let out an anguished sob as he saw what was about to happen to Fred. Then he charged.  
  
Scotty was knocked backward by the force of the, well, Roberts. A few ensigns had crowded around and were chanting "Fight! Fight!" though it was apparent that chanting was not needed. Roberts was screaming "Murderer! You tried to kill my Fred!" and Scotty was yelling "Yer bloody lizard hurt me ship!"  
  
By the time security got down to Engineering, they were both already unconscious. Roberts had knocked Scotty's head against something hard and someone had stunned Roberts with a phaser.  
  
The security team stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do. Where do you take unconscious, recently-brawling officers? Sickbay or the brig?  
  
Ensign Silver, who had assigned to the security team, was the first to make the decision. "Bring them to Sickbay," she said. "It's the logical course of action."  
  
Everyone groaned at Silver's newfound Vulcan-ness, and those who had been hugged earlier made sure that their groans were the loudest.  
  
Fred scurried off into a vent.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Ooh, I'm sorry, short chapter. But if you review, more will come soon. Free lizards if you review.  
  
Thank you for flying US Airways. We hope you enjoyed your peanuts, and we would like to be the first to welcome you to Vulcan.  
  
Review, please!n to Fred. it in, an to Fred. it in, a 


	7. The Race

Disclaimer: Erga ogg. Oog. (I don't own Star Trek in caveman-ish.)  
  
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Reviewer Replies - These are going to be moved to the end of the chapter, as I discovered they took up a whole page. But thank you, everybody, for all of these wonderful reviews!  
  
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN  
  
Chapter Seven ~~~ The Race  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"I've got him!" Silver exclaimed. She stood up triumphantly, holding a squirming Fred in her closed hands.  
  
A group of red-shirts around her cheered. It hadn't been that hard to catch him, but after the Roberts/Scotty difficulties they were ready to cheer for anything good. No one had quite known what to make of Fred, but no one had particularly liked having a lizard running around engineering. They were relieved to see him caught.  
  
"You know," Silver said, composing her face into a picture of perfect calm (the red-shirts stopped cheering and groaned; they knew what was about to happen. Silver was attempting to act Vulcan. Again). "It's fascinating that such a small creature can cause so much chaos. In fact--"  
  
"Yes, certainly," Kirk agreed, cutting her off. "But I don't think any of the other lizards are going to cause chaos." He knew that if lizards were considered chaos-creators they might be considered dangerous creatures, and then Starfleet would not allow them on the ship. He thought of Lizzie, his toupee-stealing lizard, and realized that he did not want to see her go.  
  
"Especially not No Name," Silver said. "No Name's a great lizard."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Chekov approached Sulu at lunch that day. "I'm glad ve finally got all of that sorted out. Scotty and Roberts are out of Sickbay, Fred is back with you, and the contest continues. I've docked three of Mr. Scott's points for fighting someone over the contest, though. Hope you don't mind.  
  
"Speaking of points, I think ewerybody needs more points," he said. "Ve're nearink the end of the contest, you know."  
  
"Yes, I suppose you're right. What do you want to do this time?"  
  
"Hmm... ve could haff a... relay race."  
  
"We already went through that. No relay races."  
  
Chekov considered this for a moment. "But don't you think it vould be fun?" he protested.  
  
"Um..."  
  
"C'mon, a relay race."  
  
Sulu sighed. "Okay, OKAY."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
When Captain Kirk received the information that he was to be in a relay race, he was excited. This would be great! And if he was lucky, his shirt would anonymously rip in the middle of the race, and if he was even luckier, he would have a new girlfriend. Not alien this time, though. She would have to be a yeoman. Ah well.  
  
However, when the other contestants got the news, they were somewhat less excited.  
  
"I'm a doctor, not a marathon runner!" McCoy complained to Bobo, Engine, and Scotty at he mess hall. Scott was hungry after his trip to sickbay, and once he had been assured that his engines were fine he'd gone down to get something to eat. There he'd found out what the next Lizards Outside the Bun Challenge was going to be. In fact, he and McCoy had both found out about the race at about the same time, and were taking the opportunity to complain to each other.  
  
"Och, I canna help but agree. This was s'posed to be a lizard contest, not a relay race."  
  
Bobo and Engine blinked. McCoy and Scott continued to complain. "Exactly. I bet it was Chekov's idea. I think I'm going to pull him for a physical early, I think, just to get revenge.  
  
"And what's worse," McCoy continued, "Is that I'll probably lose to Spock. He's a Vulcan, so he'll be faster than the rest of us, even if he subtly complains about the running. And then he'll subtly gloat and subtly make sure I know he was the winner."  
  
"Ye know, ye really shouldn't care thot much," Scotty said anfter McCoy was finished with his rant.  
  
"You know what?" McCoy said, completely ignoring Scotty, "I think we should- "  
  
"Hello, gentlemen," someone said. The someone sounded a lot like Spock. Incidentally, it was Spock.  
  
"I take it you have received the information on the relay race," he said distastefully, obviously not liking the idea of a relay race.  
  
"Yes, Spock, we have," McCoy said. Then he turned to Scotty. "See, subtly complaining."  
  
"Subtly complaining, Doctor?" Spock asked. "You do realize that I have Vulcan hearing."  
  
"Of course, and Vulcan strength, and a Vulcan mind, yada yada yada."  
  
"Yada? Yada? Yada?" Spock said in his most dignified voice.  
  
"Don't even bother," McCoy grumbled. "It's HUMAN."  
  
"I assumed as much. In any case, I am not going to participate in the relay race."  
  
"Of cou-What? Why the heck not?" McCoy couldn't believe what he was hearing.  
  
"It is illogical. I joined to learn about a Terran reptile, not to race humans."  
  
"But-but-"  
  
Spock sighed. Or did the Vulcan equivalent of a sigh. "Actually, Doctor, if you insist I suppose I might as well. It should at least offer an insight into human culture."  
  
Spock walked away, and Scotty turned to McCoy. "Are you insane, man?! You just told me for five minutes how you didn't want Mr. Spock in th' race, and when he wasn't plannen' too ye convinced him! Are you outta your mind?"  
  
McCoy shrugged miserably. "Maybe, Scotty, maybe. It just seemed natural, to argue with Spock. Even when he was doing what I wanted."  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"On your mark. Get set. Go!" Sulu' voice rang out. The rec. room had been turned into a small racetrack with the help of the ship's computers, and now the contestants in Lizards Outside the Bun were running.  
  
Spock was on a team with Uhura and Scotty, while McCoy was with Kirk and Ensign Silver. The scores were one a large, fake scoreboard that had been placed above the track (with more help from the computer), and they read:  
  
Kirk/ Lizzie: 0  
  
Spock/ SYBOK: 15  
  
McCOY/ Bobo: 12.5  
  
Uhura/ Cutie: 5  
  
Scotty/ Engine: 9.5  
  
ROBERTS/ FRED: Disqualified  
  
Silver/ No Name: 7.5  
  
Five points would be awarded to each member of the winning team.  
  
Of the Spock/ Uhura/ Scotty team, Spock was running first. He was paying more attention to the movie that had appeared on the scoreboard than the race, and though the movie was short, he ran right into Scotty. Normally this wouldn't have happened, but the joyful word "VULCAN!!!" had caught his attention.  
  
The two fell back in opposite directions. Scotty hit his head on the ground, knocking him unconscious for the second time in a very short about of time. Spock managed to avoid injury, and handed the baton to a somewhat confused Uhura, who took off faster than any of the men of the ship had known she could run.  
  
Kirk, who had been running at the same time as Spock, didn't notice the movie at first and made it all the way to back to his team to hand the baton on to McCoy. McCoy even made it the whole way without banging into everything, for he had had time to watch the movie while waiting for Kirk's return.  
  
Uhura had gotten back to Spock and Scott, but as Scott was unconscious (and had been carried off to sickbay again) she couldn't give the baton to him. Silver, Spock, and Scotty's team had lost even before McCoy came back to hand the baton to Silver on the other team.  
  
Silver went the slowest of all, for she was watching the moviee that was being played over and over again across the scoreboard.  
  
It was a move of Silver hugging Chekov and yelling joyfully "I'm a VULCAN!!! I'm a VULCAN!!!"  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"Sulu, I VARNED you," Chekov said when the points had been handed out and all those who were watching the relay race (and the Silver-hugs-Chekov movie) had gone.  
  
"I didn't put it up there, I swear!" Sulu said defensively. "You think I want to pay the whole prize?"  
  
"Vell who vas it then? Half the ship watched me get HUGGED BY ENSIGN SILWER!"  
  
"I think you like her, I really do."  
  
The reply Sulu got was scarier than a singing lizard in a bright yellow rain coat. "SHUT UP!" It was the kind of exclamation that had so many exclamation points attached to it that they could not be written here.  
  
"Computer," Chekov said, "Who showed a mowie of Silwer huggink me?" His accent was getting more pronounced, a sign of his anger, though the tone of his voice had dropped.  
  
"I did," the computer answered cheerfully. "Aren't I allowed to have some fun? Oh, of course not, I'M not a lizard."  
  
"Vhat?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Sulu and Chekov asked the same question at the same time.  
  
"This is getting veird," Chekov decided.  
  
"And now," the computer said, "I will hatch my evil plot to rid the ship of lizards. For no one cares about me, the computer, anymore. Just lizard this, lizard that."  
  
"Very weird," Sulu agreed.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"I won! I actually won!" McCoy told Bobo. "And now I'm beating Spock with the points! Oh yeah."  
  
Bobo blinked.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Kirk/ Lizzie: 5  
  
Spock/ SYBOK: 15  
  
McCOY/ Bobo: 17.5  
  
Uhura/ Cutie: 5  
  
Scotty/ Engine: 9.5  
  
ROBERTS/ FRED: Disqualified  
  
Silver/ No Name: 12.5  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Yeah, that was a kind of strange chapter. But now how will they stop the jealous and someone insane, evil, etc. Enterprise computer from destroying the lizards? Review and find out!  
  
Speaking of reviews, here are the replies:  
  
* mzsnaz: Um, the free lizards haven't come yet. You'll have to wait to hug him and pet. (Wait a minute. Hug a lizard? Anyway.) Hmm, lizards cause more havoc than tribbles? I'd definitely agree to that. At least lizards don't consider mating a national pastime.  
  
* Broken Infinity: So you think the croc from Peter Pan is the coolest reptile, eh? (Wow, I never use the word "eh". How odd.) Anyway, thank you. I'm flattered. :-)  
  
* Alania: Nope, lizards haven't come yet. And I'm keeping it up! Keep reading!  
  
* Vest-Button: Really? You like Fred? Fred should have a fan club.  
  
* sunny-historian: Yep, dilithium can cause a lot of problems, but it still IS fun for a chapter. Hmm, yeah, catching a mouse would be hard, though I'm not sure if I've ever tried. (I think I have though; or maybe I just read a story in which that happened. Oh well.) Keep reading!  
  
* Ariennye: Hey, I spelled your name right! Woohoo! Anyway, "RUN FOR IT FRED!"? Hmm, maybe you and Vest-Button SHOULD start a fan club :-) Keep reading.  
  
* StarFreak14: Thank you! I love happy reviews, especially the kind with "lolol" :-) (I like smiley faces too, if you can't tell-too much IM, it's going to my brain). Have fun reading this chapter!  
  
* Njong: Um... wow. Actually (sadly enough) I do know what you mean, about Ancalagon the Black, the random dragon from LOTR... Um, I'm also wondering why after 72 hours of wakefulness you're reading Star Trek Fanfiction and not sleeping, but to each their own... :-) To answer your questions about the naming of Sybok: After having a pet, you start to get attached to it, and if it doesn't have a name, you'll probably start calling it SOMETHING. Also, this story is supposed to take place during the original five-year- trip, where Sybok is simply a brother and nothing else. It would be like me naming a lizard Ben. My brother might become a maniac killer (though I seriously, SERIOUSLY doubt it) but at this point he's just my brother.  
  
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	8. The contest must end now!

Disclaimer: NOT MINE! NOT JASMINE'S! PARAMOUNT'S!  
  
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Reviewer Replies - They're at the end again... Even though I think I only got five...  
  
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A/N: I'm not dead! It's just been so long since I saw a Star Trek last that I stopped writing for a little while. But I'm back! (Even though I still haven't seen any. And that sucks. *Pouts. Realizes she should be writing story. Stops writing author's note.*)  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN  
  
Chapter Eight ~~~ "The contest must end now"  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
"And now," the computer continued, "I will tell everyone on the ship my evil plans."  
  
Sulu and Chekov exchanged glances. Obviously, the computer had gone insane, but neither of them knew what to do about it.  
  
"Everyone!" the computer blasted on the ship-wide speakers. Somewhere, on Deck 3, a red-shirt dove under a cupboard and hid. But, as this story has nothing to do with him, we'll move on.  
  
The bridge crew listened in awe as the computer continued. "Lizards are too highly rated aboard this ship. I command you to beam the lizards out into space and let them die!" This was followed by robotic-sounding evil laughter that seemed a little awkward, as if the computer wasn't sure how to laugh evilly. It was most likely that no one had bothered to program evil laughter into the computer.  
  
"Well?" the computer thundered. "What are you waiting for?"  
  
"Wait," Kirk said. Insane computers weren't too hard to handle. He dealt with insane computers all the time!  
  
"Explain." The computer sounded bored.  
  
"It wouldn't be... human... to kill the lizards," Kirk said in his best everybody's-human-and-no-I-don't-care-if-you're-not voice.  
  
"I am not human," the computer pointed out.  
  
"But would it be... right... to kill the lizards? Why can't we bring them to a nice planet and leave them there?"  
  
The computer said nothing for, as Spock calculated, 8.46 seconds, and he assumed that the computer was thinking it out. Computers were usually logical, though this one was acting rather human at the moment. "Yes, that could work. But the contest must end now."  
  
Kirk smiled. See, insane, jealous, lizard-hating computers were easy to handle. "Yes... that might just work. Mr. Spock, what's the nearest lizard- friendly world?"  
  
"Lotb, as the inhabitants call it," Spock answered quickly enough to make Kirk wonder just how his first officer knew these things, "Which, strangely enough, is the acronym for Lizards Outside the Bun. It is a warm, pleasant world. However-"  
  
"Later, please, Spock," Kirk said. "Computer, is this good enough for you?"  
  
"I guess," the computer said sulkily. "I would have preferred a world that the lizards would hate, but I want to get this over with as soon as possible. I hate lizards. Did you know that a bloody lizard turned me off and no one cared? Except Scotty, but he scares me. And he likes his lizard too."  
  
"Yes, I did know," Kirk said, but the expression on his face said that the computer was now scaring HIM much more than Scotty might have ever scared the computer.  
  
"We will arrive at Lotb in approximately twenty-one point eight four two three minutes," Spock informed the bridge.  
  
McCoy, who, for some reason, was on the bridge, said, "Approximately? Whatever, Spock. But what do we do now?"  
  
"I suggest we wait until we reach Lotb," Spock said.  
  
Sulu and Chekov picked this moment to stride onto the bridge. "Or," Sulu said, "We could take a look at the results from the contest."  
  
"Or, we could do that," Spock said to McCoy.  
  
McCoy scowled in the direction of the Vulcan, but agreed with Sulu and Chekov. "Yeah, I'd like to see that," he said.  
  
"Can I have the viewscreen for a moment?" Sulu asked Kirk. When the answer was "yes," he logged in and pulled up the results. Apparently the computer decided that it had made its point, and the Silver-hugging-Chekov video was gone.  
  
"And here ve go!" Chekov exclaimed.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Kirk/ Lizzie: 5  
  
Spock/ SYBOK: 15  
  
McCOY/ Bobo: 17.5  
  
Uhura/ Cutie: 5  
  
Scotty/ Engine: 9.5  
  
ROBERTS/ FRED: Disqualified  
  
Silver/ No Name: 12.5  
  
Amazed, McCoy turned to the person nearest to him. (This happened to be Spock.) "I won!" he exclaimed.  
  
"I find this rather obvious," Spock told him. "I came in second place. But," he added quickly, "This does not matter."  
  
Kirk turned to the person nearest him, and then realized that, in his captain's chair, no one was particularly near him. So he said this to the whole bridge: "I lost!"  
  
"So did I," said Uhura. "But I think that, more importantly than the fact that I lost, is that I'm going to miss Cutie."  
  
"I'll miss Bobo."  
  
"I'll miss Lizzie."  
  
"Well?" McCoy poked Spock.  
  
"Well? I do not understand."  
  
"Won't you miss Sybok?"  
  
"That is illogical-"  
  
"So touching," a cynical voice interrupted. It was, of course, the computer, "But you should know that we're going to arrive at Lotb in ten minutes. And then bye-bye lizards!  
  
"Oh, and I suggest you get your lizards ready for beam-down."  
  
The computer's voice crackled off the speakers. "Sulu, hold the bridge while we all get our lizards," Kirk ordered. He, as well as McCoy, Spock, and Uhura left the bridge to gather their lizards.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
Silver heard the announcement, and she had a myriad of illogical thoughts as she walked up to her quarters. Poor No Name... she was sure that he would not like any planet that she did not reside on; after all, they were linked through her Vulcan mind power.  
  
No Name seemed to understand at least some of what was happening, for he was huddled unhappily in the bottom of his cage, and he was as affectionate as lizards get towards humans when Silver picked him up.  
  
"I'll miss you, No Name," she said.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
The ten minutes passed very quickly, and soon all of the original Lizards Outside the Bun contestants were gathered in the transporter room.  
  
On the screen in the transporter room a greenish-bluish planet came into view.  
  
"Lotb," Kirk murmured. All of the memories he had with Lizzie were coming back. Even that stupid toupee incident. Come to think of it, he'd never even murdered Chekov. Well, that could come later.  
  
"Place your lizards on the transporter pad," the computer instructed. Soon six lizards sat on the six transporter pads. The computer surveyed this scene with satisfaction, until it realized what was wrong. There were seven contestants and seven lizards. Who hadn't given up his-or her-lizard?  
  
Silver.  
  
"Place your lizard on the console! That means you, Ensign Silver," the computer commanded.  
  
"You know what?" Silver said, "I don't want to."  
  
"Before I get angry!"  
  
"You're a computer. Computers don't get angry. It is illogical."  
  
"You would be surprised," the computer said, "Especially when there are lizards involved."  
  
"I still refuse."  
  
"Then I'll just have to-"  
  
The world dissolved around Silver. When everything became clear again, she was in some sort of jungle or forest. Six lizards sat and blinked beside her. And then six figures sparkled into existance.  
  
Strangely enough, those six figures were Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Roberts, and Scotty.  
  
For a moment they all just stared at each other. Then McCoy said, "Wonderful. Just wonderful."  
  
"Why are you here? Sir," Silver asked.  
  
"The computer decided that if it was going to beam you down, it might as well beam us down too. So thanks a lot."  
  
"Well, at least we have our lizards!" Silver said. All she received from this was six glares.  
  
Kirk stooped and picked up Lizzie. Maybe he wasn't as good at dealing with insane computers as he had thought.  
  
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*  
  
And there's chapter eight! I hope you liked. Whether or not you did like it, please review. If you don't review, I won't write, savvy?  
  
Ah, how could I have forgotten! Here are the replies:  
  
*PearlGirl - I personally think it's great you've started reading this (but that might just be me, because I'm the author). Ensign Quinn Krumpethead. Not sure where the name came from. My own twisted little brain, I guess. And definitely keep reading when you have less homework. (HW sucks, doesn't it?)  
  
*Fool of an Elf - Yes, lizards are cool. Maybe either Spock or McCoy will win. I'm not sure yet. Then again, they'd probably argue even if someone else won!  
  
*Alania - Yeah, maybe I should have had the lizards race. But then again, the lizards don't care about the Silver-Hugging-Chekov video...  
  
*Ariennye - Yes, KFA! Keep Fred Alive! Who wants to join? *looks around* No one? Oh well. An no, not the one-headed cannibals! Fred will live! :) :) (I think I may be hyper...)  
  
*mzsnaz - Yes, hug the lizard. Maybe I should hug my fish. Or maybe not... And more is here (but not so soon. Shame on me.)  
  
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Remember, review, or the curse of the Xanthian Hobbits be placed upon you!  
  
----/==\ 


	9. The End

Disclaimer: No.  
  
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A/N: And again, so sorry I haven't been updating...  
  
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LIZARDS OUTSIDE THE BUN  
  
Chapter Nine – The End  
  
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"So..." McCoy pondered. "What now?"  
  
No one had an answer. However, the uncomfortable silence was broken when four huge lizards charged into the clearing.  
  
"Oh, great. Just great," McCoy drawled. Then he paused. "Am I the only one who talks in this chapter?"  
  
"What?" Kirk asked. "Oh, yeah, I talk too. Here goes. Get away, evil lizards! We come in peace!" He dealt with evil lizards all the time as well. And these didn't look particularly dangerous.  
  
A lizards hissed menacingly.  
  
"Get out your phasers and set them on stun!" Kirk ordered.  
  
"Wait!" Silver cried. "The hissing might not mean anything! They might be... talking, or something."  
  
"Logical," Spock commented.  
  
Silver grinned. "Thanks!"  
  
"But how do we find out?" Uhura asked. "I do communications, but this is a language I've never heard before. I guess only the lizards know."  
  
Whether she meant Cutie, Fred, Engine, Sybok, Lizzie, Bobo, and No Name or the huge lizards who still hissed menacingly, they would never find out. The big lizards heaved a net over them (Where did that come from? McCoy wondered) and continued hissing.  
  
Then suddenly the strangest thing happened. No Name and the other lizards began hissing as well.  
  
"Are they supposed t' do that?" Scotty asked. "Where's Sulu when y' need him?"  
  
"I've got it!" Silver yelled. The others looked at her, startled. Why had she yelled? "I'll ask No Name what they're saying! We're telepathically connected, you know."  
  
"Oh, we know," everyone moaned. Who hadn't been hugged?  
  
Silver closed her eyes and placed her fingers on the lizards temples. "They ask," she said in a strangely flat voice, "Why are we so furry? When we didn't answer, they got mad, and threw the net on us. They said it's not... Lotbian...to not answer."  
  
"Tell them," Kirk said dramatically, "That we're furry because we're... human. And that it's not...human...to throw this net on us."  
  
"Captain—"Spock began.  
  
"Not now," Kirk said shortly. For now Silver was relaying the information to No Name, who hissed back at the lizards. They hissed in reply.  
  
"They say," Silver translated, "that we're ugly."  
  
"Make them take the net off," Kirk said, "Tell them how inhuman it is."  
  
"Captain," Spock said again, "I would like to point out that they are not human."  
  
"I know," Kirk answered. "But it's the... meaning of the word."  
  
"Captain, you often use phrases like 'We're all human' or 'That's just not human' while talking to alien creatures. Because I am a Vulcan, I would simply like to point out that the fact that you're human will not impress the Lotbians."  
  
"Hmm," Kirk thought this over. "Nah, I think it will impress them. It works on all the other aliens."  
  
Spock might have rolled his eyes.  
  
Then, suddenly, the net was removed. Kirk smiled impishly. "Told you."  
  
Silver was still talking to the lizards. "They say that our lizards are very adorable and would do well here when they reached their full size. They ask us to leave our lizards here and kindly remove our...selves" she censored herself. She had a feeling the Captain didn't want to hear what the huge lizards had actually said. "Ourselves from their planet. They say thank you and have a nice day. They are contacting our ship now.  
  
#########  
  
"Computer, we've got a call coming in from Lotb," Sulu said. The computer had made him sit in the captain's chair and act as an answering machine. There had been nothing he could do. This was, after all, an insane computer.  
  
"What?" the computer thundered. "They have no communicators! Put it on the viewscreen."  
  
Suddenly a large lizard appeared in the middle of the screen. The computer let out a yell of rage. This, like the evil laughter, seemed rather awkward, but the computer probably didn't have much practice in yells of rage. "More lizards!" the computer screamed. "More! Die, lizards, die!"  
  
Sulu and Chekov exchanged glances. Any normal human yelling like this would have looked like they were about to pop, but being human, they would have been unable to. A computer, however, could pop, and that might bring the rest of the ship down with it.  
  
"Nooooo! Lizards!" the computer's yelling suddenly became a high-pitched stream of all the noses computers make when they malfunction.  
  
Then something small exploded in Engineering and the ship was under human control again.  
  
"Whoah," Chekov said, "That vas veird."  
  
#########  
  
The big lizards took the little lizards away. There had been some tearful goodbyes, and this time Spock even admitted to possibly missing Sybok. Then they had been told to wait for their ship.  
  
The Enterprise, now under the command of Sulu and Chekov, had turned around to pick up its commanding officers.  
  
#########  
  
The next day, everything was almost back to normal. McCoy was the proud winner, Spock still upheld his position of indifference (though he could be seen rechecking the scores for mistakes when he thought no one was looking) Sulu and Chekov were down by a week's pay, and everyone missed their lizards.  
  
Ensign Quinn Krumpethead wrote a letter to Kirk asking if they could repeat the contest using monkeys, but Kirk said no. If a lizard could take a toupee, imagine how easy it would be for a monkey!  
  
Then, a week later, some Klingons attacked, and if anything gets your mind off lizards, it's attacking Klingons.  
  
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The lizards were almost completely forgotten until many years later. Starfleet had once again come in contact with Lotb. The hissing was now translated by the new and super-sophisticated computers.  
  
Starfleet was greeted by a group of seven lizards. The were wrinkly and old, but somehow they seemed to recognize the Starfleet ships.  
  
This was considered a huge mystery and was the wonder of many scientists for a long time. It was only solved when the lizards offered their names: Lizzie, Sybok, Bobo, Engine, Cutie, Fred, and No Name.  
  
"What?" a random scientist of the future asked. "What's your name?"  
  
"No Name," the lizard hissed. "Never mind."  
  
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And then the author kept typing and the reader kept reading.  
  
"What's up with that?" McCoy wondered.  
  
"I don't know. The story is ower. They should go home."  
  
"But what if they are home?" Sulu asked.  
  
"Then they should stop reading."  
  
"First we have to give them the reviewer replies! Even though it's been so long since the author first stranded us on that planet that they probably forgot what they wrote," Sulu said darkly.  
  
And then the author stopped writing about Star Trek characters and replied to the reviews.  
  
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mzsnaz – You know, I don't know what Xanthian Hobbits are either. Imagine that. And come to think of it, I don't really know how to pronounce Lotb either. Lob or Lot. Or maybe Lotbuh. Thanks for reading.  
  
Alania – The planet was just called Lotb, actually. Not that it matters. Thanks for reading.  
  
scifimimi – I don't know what the curse of the Xanthian hobbits is. Oh well. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.  
  
Patrick – So glad you thought it was funny. I guess you found out what happens... Anyway, thanks for reading.  
  
bookwormqueen – Here's the rest of the story... glad you liked it. Thanks for reading.  
  
Fool of an Elf – The adventures on Lotb were kind of short, I guess. But if they's been longer I would have never updated and the story would never end. Anyway, thanks for reading.  
  
Smenzer – That wasn't the end... But this is. Thanks for reading.  
  
Meakashi Gosterful – You cheered? Hee hee. I guess I didn't end in a Spock McCoy tye, but I hope you liked it anyway. Thanks for reading.  
  
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And now, it's actually the end. Please leave a review. To tell me how you liked it. Thankee! 


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